


note to editor get somebody whos actually seen this fuckin thing to come up with a better title im serious do not run this title you fucking idiots i repeat do not run this title

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22321948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat watch a horror movie.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 24
Kudos: 229





	note to editor get somebody whos actually seen this fuckin thing to come up with a better title im serious do not run this title you fucking idiots i repeat do not run this title

KARKAT: HEY. YOU WANNA WATCH A MOVIE?  
DAVE: dude how can you seriously walk in and ask that question with a straight face  
DAVE: i mean do i wanna?  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: are we gonna?  
DAVE: yes  
DAVE: of course we are  
DAVE: all we fuckin do is watch movies karkat  
DAVE: that is the evenings entertainment  
DAVE: every evening  
DAVE: also sometimes the morning  
DAVE: and if were feeling really saucy  
DAVE: the afternoon  
DAVE: for fucking months now  
DAVE: why are you even askin me  
DAVE: is there some big special occasion  
DAVE: oh shit is it your wiggling day or whatever  
DAVE: damn bro its your birthday and THATS what you wanna do  
DAVE: you know we could actually do somethin cool  
DAVE: like try and fail miserably to bake a cake  
DAVE: shit that sounds kinda fun  
DAVE: lets do that  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DAVE, SHUT UP!  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT MY WRIGGLING DAY.  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH WHEN IT IS, WE SHOULD DEFINITELY TRY TO BAKE A CAKE.  
KARKAT: I BET IT’D BE A TOTAL DISASTER WITH A LOT OF COMEDIC PAYOFF.  
DAVE: hell yes  
KARKAT: BUT IT *IS* KIND OF A SPECIAL OCCASION.  
DAVE: oh yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
KARKAT: I WAS GOING THROUGH MY COMPUTER, AND I FOUND A MOVIE I FORGOT I DOWNLOADED!  
KARKAT: A NEW ONE!  
DAVE: oh what  
DAVE: seriously  
DAVE: a “new” movie  
DAVE: do those even exist  
KARKAT: APPARENTLY THEY DO.  
KARKAT: I MEAN NEW TO US, AT LEAST.  
DAVE: ho-ly shit  
DAVE: what is it  
KARKAT: IT’S CALLED...  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: THE RING.  
DAVE: oh dang  
DAVE: the human one  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: OH WAIT.  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: HAVE YOU SEEN IT ALREADY?  
DAVE: nope  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: really  
DAVE: i pretty much didnt uh  
DAVE: do horror movies  
KARKAT: IT’S A HORROR MOVIE?  
DAVE: yeah pretty sure  
DAVE: have you seen it  
KARKAT: NO, I JUST TOLD YOU I HAVEN’T.  
DAVE: yeah but you know what i mean  
DAVE: i mean have you seen the troll version  
DAVE: you know the one thats called wherein theres a tv and somethin spooky goin on with a well im pretty sure thats the vibe i got from the memes anyway and like theres probably a ghost and maybe some jump scares yeah theres definitely jump scares who am i kidding its a horror movie isnt it oh fuck i gotta own up to something here i dont like scary shit i havent actually seen this movie note to editor get somebody whos actually seen this fuckin thing to come up with a better title im serious do not run this title you fucking idiots i repeat do not run this title  
DAVE: and then obviously they run it with that exact title  
DAVE: its a smash success it makes fifty bazillion troll dollars  
DAVE: because that is objectively the best possible title for a movie  
DAVE: have you seen that one  
KARKAT: NO, DAVE, SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH I HAVEN’T.  
DAVE: well then shit what are we waitin for  
DAVE: lets fire this fucker up  
KARKAT: WAIT.  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T THINK WE SHOULD  
KARKAT: LIKE  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: I DONNO  
KARKAT: SAVOR IT?  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: no way  
DAVE: you gotta strike while the irons hot karkat  
DAVE: everybody knows that  
DAVE: otherwise your swords gonna suck  
DAVE: or something  
DAVE: or is that saying actually about literal ironing like with irons  
DAVE: maybe it is  
DAVE: ok in that case otherwise youre gonna get wrinkly shirts  
DAVE: if thats what its really about  
DAVE: whatever  
DAVE: the moral of both extremely sound interpretations  
DAVE: is that you gotta get in there  
DAVE: seize the day  
DAVE: grab life by the horns  
DAVE: do you guys have that saying  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: yeah that oned be kinda weird for a buncha folks who actually have horns  
DAVE: serious mixed messages  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS *YOUR* MESSAGE HERE, DAVE?  
DAVE: im sayin we watch this shit karkat  
DAVE: right fuckin now  
DAVE: before we get our hopes up  
DAVE: because theres a very good chance this movie is gonna suck  
KARKAT: HM.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU’RE RIGHT.  
KARKAT: LET’S DO IT!  
DAVE: fuckin a  


TIMESTAMP 7:40  


DAVE: wait pause it  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: are you cold  
KARKAT: COLD?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: cuz im kinda cold  
DAVE: and i was gonna um  
DAVE: just wrap up in this blanket  
KARKAT: OK.  
DAVE: and uh  
DAVE: if you were cold too  
DAVE: id let you like  
DAVE: get under it with me  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: I AM KINDA COLD.  
KARKAT: GOOD THINKING.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: its important to stay warm when you watch scary movies  
DAVE: cuz your blood starts flowing slower  
DAVE: at least thats how it is for humans  
DAVE: its like a natural biological response to stress  
DAVE: like even if youre not scared your body doesnt get the memo and slows down regardless  
DAVE: im pretty sure  
DAVE: so you know  
DAVE: you gotta counterbalance that shit  
KARKAT: THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.  
DAVE: do you guys have that too  
KARKAT: I THINK WE DO, YEAH.  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: cmere and pull your feet up  
DAVE: we wanna get full blanket coverage here  
DAVE: absolutely no drafts ok  
KARKAT: GOT IT.  
DAVE: yeah there ya go  
DAVE: blanket natural right here  
DAVE: you just need a little sage guidance is all  
KARKAT: DAVE, I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING USE A BLANKET.  
DAVE: well you say that karkat  
DAVE: but clearly you dont  
DAVE: cuz you had your feet all danglin off the edge of the couch  
DAVE: which is like ten kindsa stupid  
DAVE: prolly because you evolved from weird apex predator beetles or whatever the hell  
DAVE: low to the ground  
DAVE: ten million teeth  
DAVE: not a care in the world  
DAVE: whereas i come from monkeys  
DAVE: those guys do nothing BUT hang around in trees and worry bout leopards or whatever grabbin their legs  
DAVE: its a deep ass seated instinct  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING THIS TO KEEP WARM.  
DAVE: yeah we are  
DAVE: the leopards are drafts of cold air karkat keep up  
DAVE: ok you might think youre all safe and toasty under a blanket  
DAVE: when in fact youve left a key area around your legs exposed  
DAVE: leading to all kinds of drafts from under the couch comin up and completely neutralizing your whole toasty zone  
DAVE: your toasty zone is fucked  
DAVE: and with it  
DAVE: you  
KARKAT: OK OK, I’VE GOT MY LEGS PULLED UP!  
KARKAT: I THINK WE’RE ALL TUCKED IN HERE.  
KARKAT: WE’RE SAFE.  
KARKAT: I MEAN WARM.  
DAVE: yeah ok  
DAVE: i think we got this  
DAVE: this looks pretty good  
KARKAT: WAIT.  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA UNPAUSE THE MOVIE?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: god damn it  
KARKAT: OK HOLD ON.   
KARKAT: I’LL GET THE CRAB.  
DAVE: the crab  
KARKAT: YEAH, THE CRAB.  
DAVE: karkat your whole fuckin computer is a crab  
KARKAT: NO, NOT THAT.  
KARKAT: JUST.  
KARKAT: SORRY, I’M GONNA HAVE TO EXIT THE TOAST ZONE BRIEFLY.  
DAVE: uggh  
KARKAT: HEY, IT HAS TO BE DONE.  
KARKAT: OR WE’RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO PAUSE AGAIN.  
DAVE: ok fine  
DAVE: go get your stupid crab or whatever it is  
DAVE: i swear you and your goddamn cr-  
DAVE: oh hey what  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: its a lil baby crab!  
DAVE: oh my god karkat is that thing your mouse  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S MY CRAB.  
DAVE: bahahaha  
DAVE: cant argue with you there  
DAVE: and you know what i dont even wanna try  
DAVE: ok get yourself and your crab the fuck back under here  
DAVE: we gotta completely rebatten the hatches of the toast zone  
KARKAT: I’M BATTENING, I’M BATTENING.  
DAVE: we good?  
KARKAT: YEAH, I THINK SO.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: phew  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: you gonna hit play?  
KARKAT: OH. YEAH. I GUESS I AM.  
DAVE: ok  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: HERE WE GO.  


PAUSED AT 15:45  


KARKAT: AUUUUUGHHH!!  
DAVE: ahhh  
DAVE: fuck!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WAS *THAT??*  
DAVE: holy shit  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH HER FACE, DAVE?  
DAVE: i donno!  
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT A HUMAN THING?  
DAVE: no that is not a fucking human thing  
DAVE: jesus christ why would that be a human thing  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW!  
KARKAT: YOUR SPECIES IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SHIT!  
KARKAT: YOU TELL ME!  
DAVE: no thats not normal  
DAVE: thats so obviously not fucking normal  
DAVE: fuck  
KARKAT: SO IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY?  
DAVE: yeah definitely  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: why  
DAVE: are you scared  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: cool me neither  
KARKAT: COOL.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: go ahead unpause it  
KARKAT: I AM, I AM!  
DAVE: cmon karkat what are you waiting for  
KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA FUCKING BE IN CHARGE OF THE CRAB?  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: no you got it man  
DAVE: its all you  
KARKAT: OK. HERE WE GO.  
KARKAT: I’M UNPAUSING IT.  
DAVE: k  


TIMESTAMP 25:21  


KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: uh huh  
KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE YOUR EYES OPEN?  
DAVE: yep  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
DAVE: do you  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: sweet  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i mean technically if your eyes are open  
DAVE: you probably shouldnt have to ask me if mine are  
DAVE: like you could just see them  
KARKAT: I CAN NEVER SEE YOUR EYES, DAVE.  
KARKAT: I CAN’T SEE THROUGH YOUR STUPID FUCKING SUNGLASSES.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: right  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE MY EYES, THOUGH.  
KARKAT: SINCE I’M NOT A TOTAL DOUCHEBAG WHO WEARS SUNGLASSES WHILE HE WATCHES A MOVIE IN THE DARK.  
KARKAT: SO YOU KNOW.  
KARKAT: IT’S KINDA WEIRD THAT YOU’D HAVE TO ASK ME.  
DAVE: shit i just asked cuz you asked bro  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
DAVE: anyway im not takin my eyes off the screen to check on you  
DAVE: im makin sure i watch this whole ridiculous video  
DAVE: start to finish  
DAVE: that way if that fuckin ghost girl comes 7 days from now  
DAVE: i can really stick it to her  
DAVE: you know  
DAVE: just gonna tell her all in detail what i thought of her stupid fuckin video  
DAVE: give her a real honest to god critique  
DAVE: gonna get all roger ebert up in her business  
KARKAT: EGBERT?  
DAVE: no ebert  
DAVE: no relation  
DAVE: ...i dont think  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: yeah im just gonna lay out such a cohesive and thorough thesis on why her video sucks  
DAVE: shes just gonna get bored and fuck off  
DAVE: and not  
DAVE: you know  
DAVE: suck my soul out of my face  
DAVE: or whatever the fuck shes been doin  
KARKAT: THAT’S A GOOD PLAN.  
DAVE: yeah i think so  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OH THANK CHRIST THEY’RE TALKING AGAIN.  
DAVE: ok phew  


TIMESTAMP 51:28  


DAVE: auuuuughhhhh!  
KARKAT: FUCK!!!  
DAVE: oh my god oh my god  
DAVE: was that you???  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: did you just grab my hand karkat  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: i swear to god karkat you better FUCKING say yes  
KARKAT: OH!  
KARKAT: YES.  
DAVE: that was you??  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
DAVE: fuuuuuuck  
KARKAT: SORRY!  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: oh my fuckin god dont be sorry  
DAVE: jesus christ bro you just scared the fuck outta me  
DAVE: cmere  
DAVE: give it back  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: what do you mean what  
DAVE: your fuckin hand  
DAVE: if i know its you then i know for a fact its not some fucking wet drippy demon girl straight out a well  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT’S KIND OF WHAT I WAS THINKING.  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: good plan  
KARKAT: THANKS.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: ok you can hit play again  
DAVE: this parts not even that scary  
KARKAT: OK.  


TIMESTAMP 57:58  


DAVE: what is up with that horse  
DAVE: what is up with that horse  
DAVE: what the fuck is UP with that horse  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD WHAT *IS* UP WITH THAT HORSE??  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: oh my god you cant just kill the animals  
DAVE: there are rules man  
DAVE: there are motherfucking RULES  
KARKAT: OH NO.  
KARKAT: UGGGGGGGHHH.  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: hey karkat whats wrong  
KARKAT: SIIIIGH.  
DAVE: oh fuck  
DAVE: is it the blood  
DAVE: shit  
KARKAT: DID EVERY FUCKING LIVING THING ON YOUR PLANET HAVE RED BLOOD?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: for real?  
DAVE: yeah i think so  
DAVE: apart from like weird bugs and shit-  
DAVE: oh wait  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: not that youre a weird bug or anything  
KARKAT: HAHA FUCK ME.  
KARKAT: I GUESS I DID THAT HUH?  
KARKAT: LIKE NOT ONLY AM I FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW  
KARKAT: I AM DIRECTLY AND SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VERY THING THAT’S FREAKING ME OUT.  
KARKAT: FUUUCK ME.  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: hey cmere  
KARKAT: UGG.  
DAVE: karkat cmere seriously  
KARKAT: HMMPF.  
DAVE: look  
DAVE: maybe you are somehow responsible  
DAVE: like im pretty fuckin rusty on the whole universe creation lore  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: i got some serious gaps in my knowledge  
DAVE: but honestly  
DAVE: who gives a shit  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: i mean its fine  
DAVE: its totally fine  
DAVE: i have red blood and i dont mind  
DAVE: that horse had red blood  
DAVE: and i bet before it fuckin exploded it didnt mind either  
KARKAT: BLEH.  
DAVE: im just sayin is all  
DAVE: whether it was your subconscious or just a complete coincidence  
DAVE: and remember it definitely coulda been the latter ok  
DAVE: but if it was you somehow  
DAVE: all you did was accidentally make a place where having blood like yours was totally fucking normal  
DAVE: isnt that kinda nice?  
DAVE: like it was so normal nobody even talked about it  
KARKAT: EHHH...  
DAVE: im serious man  
DAVE: if you showed this scene to absolutely anybody on earth  
DAVE: literally any random person  
DAVE: they would NOT say the most fucked up thing about that horse getting owned by a boat propeller was that it had red blood  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: you could not find that person  
DAVE: and if you did  
DAVE: youd prolly wanna get far away from them  
DAVE: cuz they sound like a total psychopath  
DAVE: not that youre a psychopath  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: you see what im sayin tho  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: THANKS.  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: is being miserable better than bein scared at least?  
KARKAT: HONESTLY?  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: IT FUCKING SUCKS.  
DAVE: well ok then  
DAVE: lets just give it a couple more minutes  
DAVE: somethinll prolly happen that scares you so much you piss your pants  
DAVE: make you forget all about your red blood  
DAVE: unless  
DAVE: wait  
KARKAT: DAVE, NO.  
KARKAT: WHATEVER QUESTION’S FORMING IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW, FUCKING KEEP IT IN THERE.  
DAVE: fiiine  
KARKAT: WE’RE CLOSE, BUT WE’RE NOT *THAT* FUCKING CLOSE.  
DAVE: haha yeah  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: gotta keep some mysteries between us huh  
KARKAT: YES WE FUCKING DO.  
DAVE: heh  
KARKAT: OH FUCK.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: WE JUST MISSED A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF.  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
DAVE: go back  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: HOLD ON.  
KARKAT: HMM...  
DAVE: yeah it was right around there  
DAVE: yeah preferably AFTER the horsesplosion  
DAVE: yep  
DAVE: thats good  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
KARKAT: DAVE?  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: ...IS IT OK IF I STAY HERE?  
DAVE: yeah man sure  
KARKAT: OK.  


PAUSED AT 38:48  


KARKAT: FUUUUUUUCKKKK!!!!  
DAVE: oh shit  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK!  
DAVE: sorry sorry  
KARKAT: FUCK DAVE!  
DAVE: sorry!  
DAVE: i was just  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: tryna hold your other hand  
KARKAT: FUUUCK  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: uh yeah  
KARKAT: HAHA HOLY FUCK HOW’D WE MANAGE TO FUCKING DO THIS TWICE?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: were all outta hands now  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: as long as trolls dont have a fuckin secret third hand...  
KARKAT: WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW.  
DAVE: bahaha  
KARKAT: SHIT. I THINK YOU FUCKED UP THE PROGRESS BAR.  
DAVE: oh whoops  
DAVE: forgot you were holding that lil crab  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
KARKAT: WAIT, WHERE WERE WE?  
DAVE: uhh  
DAVE: no we saw that  
DAVE: pretty sure we saw that  
KARKAT: UMMM  
DAVE: oh fuck  
KARKAT: AHHH!  
DAVE: jesus fuckin christ  
KARKAT: OH OH MY GOD!  
DAVE: get it off the screen  
DAVE: get it off the screen!  
KARKAT: BACKWARDS OR FORWARDS???  
DAVE: i dont fuckin care bro just not that  
DAVE: just not that  
KARKAT: FFUUUUUCK!  
DAVE: why do people do this to themselves  
DAVE: why do they subject themselves to this  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, DAVE!!  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW!!!  
DAVE: whew  
DAVE: oh boy  
DAVE: ok i guess we actually wanna be before that  
KARKAT: YEAH, I DON’T REMEMBER THAT HAPPENING.  
DAVE: god dammit  
DAVE: now we know we got that to look forward to  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
KARKAT: OK  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: I THINK WE WERE AROUND HERE.  
DAVE: oh yeah  
DAVE: i remember this  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: NOW JUST...  
KARKAT: PUT YOUR HAND ON TOP OF MINE WHILE I HOLD THE CRAB.  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: IN CASE WE NEED TO PAUSE AGAIN.  
DAVE: nice  
DAVE: democratic pausing  
DAVE: i like it  
KARKAT: HEH.  
KARKAT: YOU WANNA DO THE HONORS?  
DAVE: yeah sure  


TIMESTAMP 1:43:38  


KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
KARKAT: HUMAN NAOMI WATTS WHAT THE *FUCK* ARE YOU *DOING??*  
DAVE: oh my god why is she in here  
DAVE: why is she in here man  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW!  
DAVE: this is no fucking good  
KARKAT: AHHH I DON’T WANNA SEE THIS!  
KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK, WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?  
DAVE: dont do it naomi!  
DAVE: hes gone  
DAVE: hes dead  
DAVE: just fucking give him up!  
DAVE: dont turn that chair around  
KARKAT: OH FUCK!  
DAVE: dont you fucking turn that chair around naomi  
KARKAT: AHHHHHHHH!  
DAVE: AHHHHHHHHoh  
DAVE: oh huh  
KARKAT: OH FUCK WHAT THE HELL??  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: guess theyre not gonna show us?  
DAVE: weird  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: THAT’S OK, THAT’S FINE.  
DAVE: yeah phew im good with that  


TIMESTAMP 1:46:06  


DAVE: ahhhhh  
KARKAT: OH *FUCK* NO!  
DAVE: motherfuck  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: oh god  
DAVE: that was so much worse  
KARKAT: THAT WAS SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE!  
DAVE: fuuuuuck  
KARKAT: I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING!  
DAVE: me neither  
DAVE: why the fuck did they show us that when we didnt see it coming  
DAVE: why  
KARKAT: FUUUCK!  
DAVE: how much of this shit is left  
KARKAT: I THINK WE’RE ALMOST DONE.  
DAVE: fucking good  


END CREDITS  


KARKAT: OHHH MY GOD.  
DAVE: we did it  
KARKAT: WE FUCKING DID IT.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: can i tell you something really stupid  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: its really really fucking stupid ok  
DAVE: just like  
DAVE: heads up  
DAVE: if your delicate sensibilities cant handle some supreme stupidity right now  
DAVE: you might wanna leave  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S OK.  
KARKAT: TELL ME.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i really kinda dont wanna  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: i dont wanna  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: go back to my room  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: is that stupid  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: no?  
KARKAT: I MEAN.  
KARKAT: MAYBE IT IS.  
DAVE: oh  
KARKAT: ...BUT I KINDA REALLY DON’T WANT TO EITHER.  
DAVE: really?  
KARKAT: YEAH. REALLY.  
DAVE: ok  
KARKAT: CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING STUPIDER?  
DAVE: yeah of course  
DAVE: if you got somethin stupider than that bro im so ready to hear it  
KARKAT: OK...  
KARKAT: UM...  
KARKAT: I KINDA DON’T WANNA GET OUT FROM UNDER THIS BLANKET.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: i dont either  
DAVE: thats not stupid karkat that makes so much fucking sense  
DAVE: oh my god im not fuckin goin out there are you kidding me  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: SO.  
DAVE: so  
KARKAT: WE’RE STAYING HERE?  
DAVE: ...yeah i guess so  
KARKAT: OK.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: fuuuuuck  
KARKAT: ...WHAT?  
DAVE: its nothing  
KARKAT: CMON DAVE, JUST TELL ME.  
KARKAT: LET’S FUCKING HEAR IT.  
DAVE: its just  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: its your computer  
KARKAT: MY WHAT?  
DAVE: your fucking husktop man  
DAVE: its...  
DAVE: ok look  
DAVE: i know its not a tv  
DAVE: like its not some stupid gigantic crtv monitor like in the movie  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: its still a screen  
KARKAT: OH SHIT.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: and like...  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
KARKAT: SHE COULD COME OUT OF IT!  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: SHE COULD JUST COME RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF IT!!  
DAVE: thats what im fucking saying bro  
KARKAT: OH FUCK OH FUCK.  
KARKAT: WE CAN’T HAVE THIS.  
KARKAT: THIS IS NOT GONNA FUCKING STAND.  
DAVE: i know  
DAVE: thing is  
DAVE: i really really dont wanna get out from under this blanket  
DAVE: like at all  
KARKAT: IT’S OK.  
KARKAT: I GOT IT.  
DAVE: really?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: IT’S GOT A SETTING.  
KARKAT: HOLD ON.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: oh my fucking GOD karkat that thing can WALK??  
KARKAT: YEAH. I MEAN IT’S GOT LEGS.  
DAVE: holy fucking shit karkat  
DAVE: this is unreal  
DAVE: this is legitimately the silliest shit i have ever seen in my life  
DAVE: ok honestly id think this was way funnier if my spook levels werent so fucking high right now  
DAVE: right now the way that thing moves is incredibly fucking creepy tbh  
DAVE: but i can like  
DAVE: see the potential  
DAVE: even now  
DAVE: you gotta show me that again in the morning karkat ok  
DAVE: when the heightened spook levels have abated  
DAVE: and i can fully appreciate it  
KARKAT: HAHA, OK.  
DAVE: wheres it going  
KARKAT: TO MY RESPITEBLOCK.  
DAVE: wow  
DAVE: fuckin troll tech  
DAVE: what a time to be alive  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
KARKAT: WELL NOW IT’S DARK.  
DAVE: god dammit  
DAVE: is this better?  
DAVE: i donno if this is better  
KARKAT: SHOULD I CALL THE HUSKTOP BACK?  
DAVE: no!  
DAVE: jesus fuck the last thing i need right now is to see that thing creepin around the corner  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD YOU’RE RIGHT.  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?  
DAVE: ok executive decision  
DAVE: were gettin all the way under the blanket  
DAVE: cmon  
KARKAT: OK.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (IT’S DARK UNDER HERE TOO, DAVE.)  
DAVE: (yeah but its safer)  
DAVE: (objectively so)  
KARKAT: (ARE THESE YOUR MONKEY INSTINCTS AGAIN?)  
DAVE: (damn straight)  
DAVE: (were squishy little meat sacks that evolved outta the dangerous ass jungle karkat)  
DAVE: (how the fuck do you think we lasted this long)  
KARKAT: (BLANKETS?)  
DAVE: (fuck yes blankets)  
KARKAT: (...I DO FEEL SAFER.)  
DAVE: (exactly)  
DAVE: (see its a universal fact)  
KARKAT: (I GUESS SO.)  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (DAVE?)  
DAVE: (mm hmm?)  
KARKAT: (HOW LONG IS SEVEN EARTH DAYS?)  
DAVE: (aw man)  
DAVE: (whyd you have to ask me that karkat)  
DAVE: (what the fuck)  
KARKAT: (COME ON I’M SERIOUS.)  
DAVE: (well damn a days 24 hours)  
DAVE: (so)  
DAVE: (i donno)  
DAVE: (7 times 24)  
DAVE: (i know you had some batshit diurnal patterns on your planet but i think here we pretty much follow the same kinda daily schedule as we had on earth)  
DAVE: (so yknow)  
DAVE: (its pretty much just 7 of what weve been callin days too i bet)  
KARKAT: (OH.)  
KARKAT: (BUT WITH YOUR TIME ASPECT, CAN’T YOU LIKE)  
KARKAT: (TELL)  
KARKAT: (EXACTLY?)  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: (well i hadnt thought of that)  
DAVE: (so i wasnt going to)  
DAVE: (but now you brought it up i dont think im gonna be able to fuckin help it)  
DAVE: (thanks a lot karkat)  
KARKAT: (SORRY.)  
DAVE: (yeah you better be cuz you just signed yourself up for a personal 7 day countdown)  
KARKAT: (OH WHAT THE FUCK?)  
DAVE: (oh yeah buddy)  
DAVE: (were talkin hourly updates)  
KARKAT: (YOU WOULDN’T FUCKING DARE!)  
DAVE: (oh yes i would)  
DAVE: (i would and i will)  
DAVE: (get ready)  
KARKAT: (GOD DAMMIT DAVE!)  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: (hey karkat)  
KARKAT: (YEAH?)  
DAVE: (did you actually watch the video)  
KARKAT: (WHAT DO YOU MEAN?)  
DAVE: (cmon bro you know what i mean)  
DAVE: (the video in the movie)  
DAVE: (the fuckin cursed as shit video that signs you up for a one way ticket to soul sucked out your face town)  
DAVE: (did you actually have your eyes open)  
KARKAT: (HONESTLY?)  
DAVE: (yeah)  
KARKAT: (NO.)  
DAVE: (really?)  
KARKAT: (YEAH. I HAD MY EYES SHUT THE WHOLE TIME.)  
DAVE: (heh)  
KARKAT: (WHAT ABOUT YOU?)  
DAVE: (yeah i had mine shut too)  
KARKAT: (YOU DID?)  
DAVE: (yep)  
DAVE: (whole fuckin time)  
KARKAT: (BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR THESIS?)  
DAVE: (eh if it comes to it ill just make some shit up)  
DAVE: (i got strong suspicions thats all movie criticism is anyway)  
KARKAT: (AS THE FORMER OWNER OF A MOVIE REVIEW BLOG, I TAKE SERIOUS OFFENSE AT THAT.)  
DAVE: (haha)  
KARKAT: (SO IF NEITHER OF US ACTUALLY WATCHED IT...)  
KARKAT: (DOES THAT MEAN WE’RE...)  
KARKAT: (SAFE?)  
DAVE: (i guess)  
DAVE: (maybe)  
DAVE: (i mean ok)  
DAVE: (technically)  
DAVE: (if we wanna get really fuckin technical up in here)  
DAVE: (like really break out the circuit boards and graph paper)  
DAVE: (take some night classes in computer science at the community college)  
DAVE: (earn a modest and unsatisfying living in tech support for the rest of our days)  
DAVE: (were probably also safe because this is just a fucking movie and none of this shit is real)  
KARKAT: (...ARE YOU SURE?)  
DAVE: (karkat what the fuck do you mean)  
KARKAT: (I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK’S REAL?)  
KARKAT: (WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT WHAT’S FUCKING REAL ANYMORE?)  
KARKAT: (ARE WE SAFE BECAUSE FUCKING *GHOSTS* AREN’T REAL?)  
KARKAT: (BECAUSE THAT’S GONNA BE REALLY TOUGH NEWS FOR ME TO BREAK TO THE FUCKING TEN GHOSTS I WAS TALKING TO LAST NIGHT.)  
DAVE: (oh shit)  
DAVE: (oh fuck)  
DAVE: (oh shit)  
DAVE: (karkat why the FUCK are you saying this)  
KARKAT: (HONESTLY?)  
DAVE: (yeah)  
KARKAT: (BECAUSE I’M REALLY FUCKING FREAKED OUT, DAVE, AND YOU’RE GODDAMN GONNA SHARE IT WITH ME.)  
DAVE: (you motherfucker)  
KARKAT: HA!  
DAVE: (wait)  
KARKAT: (WHAT?)  
DAVE: (did you hear that??)  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: (sshhhh)  
DAVE: (oh my god)  
DAVE: (oh my god oh my god)  
DAVE: (i hear something)  
KARKAT: (OH FUCK!)  
DAVE: (you hear it too?)  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK!  
DAVE: (shhhh)  
DAVE: (youre so fucking loud i swear to god)  
KARKAT: (SORRY!)  
KARKAT: (WHAT DO WE DO??)  
DAVE: (i donno)  
DAVE: (shit i donno)  
KARKAT: (MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHECK.)  
DAVE: (what why me)  
KARKAT: (BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING IMMORTAL, THAT’S WHY!)  
KARKAT: (I CAN’T GO OUT THERE!)  
KARKAT: (IT HAS TO BE YOU!)  
DAVE: (god dammit)  
DAVE: (maybe itll go away)  
KARKAT: (I CAN STILL FUCKING HEAR IT!)  
DAVE: (fuck!)  
KARKAT: (JUST)  
KARKAT: (POKE YOUR HEAD OUT AND SHINE YOUR PHONE ON IT.)  
DAVE: (ahhhhhh)  
DAVE: (i dont wanna do this i dont wanna do this)  
KARKAT: (JUST DO IT REALLY FAST.)  
KARKAT: (I’M RIGHT HERE.)  
DAVE: (yeah i fuckin know karkat)  
DAVE: (i know right where you are)  
DAVE: (all safe and fuckin sound)  
DAVE: (tucked in like a fuckin swaddled baby in a storks stupid mouth)  
KARKAT: (WHAT?)  
DAVE: (fuck)  
DAVE: (forget it)  
KARKAT: (JUST DO IT!)  
KARKAT: (JUST GET IT OVER WITH!)  
DAVE: (dont fucking rush me karkat jesus)  
KARKAT: (SORRY.)  
KARKAT: (ARE YOU DOING IT?)  
DAVE: (yeah im fucking...)  
DAVE: (gimme a sec)  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: (ok)  
DAVE: (ok here i go)  
DAVE: FUUUUUUUUUUUoh  
DAVE: oh my god its your FUCKING laptop!  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY?  
KARKAT: WHAT DOES IT WANT?  
DAVE: what does it WANT?  
DAVE: karkat how alive IS this thing  
KARKAT: OH WAIT!  
KARKAT: SHIT!  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT!  
KARKAT: I MUST’VE SAT ON THE CRAB AND CALLED IT BACK!  
DAVE: well fucking send it outta here man  
DAVE: and tell it to take that stupid crab mouse with it  
KARKAT: OK!  
KARKAT: SORRY!  
DAVE: fuck!  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: (THANKS FOR CHECKING, DAVE.)  
DAVE: (yeah yeah)  
DAVE: (next fuckin mysterious sound is all you)  
KARKAT: (WHAT? NO!)  
KARKAT: (WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED I CAN’T GO OUT THERE. I’M NOT GOD TIER.)  
DAVE: (oh god dammit)  
DAVE: (well im not doin that ever again)  
DAVE: (so)  
DAVE: (next sound i guess nobodys checkin)  
DAVE: (because we are not leaving this blanket til morning ok)  
DAVE: (we are officially under quarantine)  
KARKAT: (OK.)  
DAVE: (and if we do hear a sound)  
DAVE: (i guess...)  
DAVE: (were just gonna pretend its your fucking husktop again)  
DAVE: (comin to see if we want a midnight snack)  
KARKAT: (IT DOESN’T DO THAT.)  
DAVE: (yeah well were gonna close our eyes and clap our hands and pretend really good and fucking hard that it does do that ok karkat)  
DAVE: (and were just gonna let it do its thing out there)  
DAVE: (and pointedly ignore it)  
DAVE: (until morning)  
DAVE: (ok?)  
KARKAT: (OK.)  
KARKAT: (THAT SOUNDS GOOD.)  
DAVE: (good)  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: (HEY DAVE?)  
DAVE: (yeah karkat)  
KARKAT: (I’M NOT SURE I’M GONNA BE ABLE TO SLEEP TONIGHT.)  
DAVE: (yeah)  
DAVE: (yeah me neither)  
KARKAT: (BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?)  
DAVE: (what)  
KARKAT: (I’M REALLY FUCKING GLAD I’M NOT ALONE IN MY BLOCK.)  
DAVE: (oh me too man)  
DAVE: (me too)  


Canon note: Post-Scratch Dave produced a SBaHJ parody of _The Ring_ with exactly that title. It was a smash success and made fifty bazillion human dollars.  



End file.
